The World

When I was a little girl
The world was a little place
Filled with forts and Popsicles,
Worms and ghosts,
Boats on dry land and
A tree to shake in Morse code.

My life was naked in the arms of my mother
Yet the world turned out to be bigger than my backyard--
Filled with diversity and sorrow and anger and love.

But there was no place for me in this big world.
I couldn't cope.

Soon after an ecstatic climb to happiness
I fell apart--
It's always easy to fall when you climb high

But it was easy to love you. To hate you.
To hate me.
Alternately and simultaneously.

It's never the same, the world,
After that first great fall.

Contemporary Muses

When I write, it always seems to be for you
I can't help but keep you in the back of my mind as I write
Would you like this?, I ask myself.

It's ridiculous.

I used to love you to distraction.
I suppose it was a distraction I needed.
I needed something to stop from thinking so much.

Someday, when we're both famous, they'll write a book about how
we inspired each other.

One Day

Is it possible to love so completely that another person can make you love yourself?
So many questions.
I love you.
I know not who you are, but I love you.
Can you make me love myself?
Can you hide from me?
Perhaps behind that big Cambodian tree with all the roots exposed, you could.
Or maybe in the garden of Eden, in the tree of good and evil,
Sitting on a low branch, your barefeet swinging in the air?
One day I'll find you, and we can hide together.

A New Day

Lying in bed again
In a state of half repair
And I find I can't care
I take a long blink
And stare at the ceiling anew

Maybe it will have different answers
To the questions that plague me now

The biggest questions cause the most fears
Regrets

Deepest regrets, forever forged, behind closed eyes
"By the light of dawn, things will look better"
But they don't
And I still regret you

Regret you like a sunrise when you have nothing
To look forward to in your day
There's never enough momentum to get me through my day

There are never enough ways to hide who I am
Even from those that love me.
Never enough words to hide behind
Or ways to make those words work.

So here I lay, emotionally exhausted, hurt,
Waiting for a new day to wage.

Bending Reality

(written in February 2009)

I sit cross-legged on the floor
Writing about my toes, my ankles, my legs
While children sleep around me.

I get to the innocence between my legs
And suddenly feel uncomfortable.
I crumple under uncertainty,
Close my journal, and grow small.

Soon I am young enough to be a peer
Of the sleeping children.
But still I am too unsure of myself to call out,
to wake them up so we can play.

So I grow smaller still,
Until I am too little to know
What it feels like to not fit in.

A wish

(written February 1, 2009)

Like a rock in my stomach I feel
the love you felt for me
And my love turns to ashes
on my tongue.

We were happy once, weren't we?
Once upon a dream...
Was that all it was?

A wish.
Wishful thinking.
Wishing for a you that never existed.
Wishing for a me that could love you.
But that rock in my stomach is too hard to digest
And the ashes on my tongue make it hard
to voice a plea, let alone a song.

A song of love.
A dream.
A wish.
Is that all you were?

The Lovers Kiss

(written in January 2009)

A spiderweb glistening between two lover's faces
They blink and still do not see each other
A ring adorns her finger, with the floating orb
of a candle flame sparking from the center.

The flame burns blue, and the moon hangs low,
Catching its breath as it envies that blue.
Then it watches the lovers illuminated by the glow.

The drops of dew on the spiderweb match
the drops falling like ice
from the couples eyelashes.
They do not feel the crash of the ice on their pale cheeks--

And soon, the man turns away,
Breaking the spiderweb in two
The woman blinks, and finally sees--

He was waiting for a flame that could burn even him.

And as her flame turns cold,
The moon falls slowly through the sky,
To watch the lovers no more.

MeganJoBrown

(written in January 2009)

My life remains
Empty of all meaning.
Gaining no understanding, I
Always try to strive.
Nobody can say I didn't try.
Joking aside,
(Or maybe not), I
Borrow life from
Random friends
Or perfect strangers.
"We always try"
Nic said.

Time

(written January 22, 2009)

There's never enough time
To do everything you want to do
Never enough stolen moments
With other people's children,
Pretending they're yours, then
Imagining them grown.

When you're young, It feels like you'll have time
Time to get married and have kids
Time to bungee jump off a bridge
Or time to finish that degree--later
Always later.

But there isn't always a later

And those stolen moments
With other people's children
Become bittersweet memories

And those dreams of them grown
Will never be realized
By you.

There's never enough time
To do the things you want to.

Against You

(written January 9, 2009)

My warm breath
Caresses the window pane,
Quickly creating fog.
And then there's you,

A sleeping figure in the dawn.
I bring my coffee mug
To my parted lips
And blow gently

And you move restlessly
As though you feel my breath

I lean against the window,
Shoulder to wall,
And tug the thick blanket
Closer

Sometimes you need to
Feel the cold
But other times you must
Guard against it.

I am well-guarded
So I pour my coffee
Down the drain and
Pad over to bed.

I sink into the mattress softly
Trying not to disturb you
But when I breathe
You know it and
Turn to me

But it's okay--
I am more than well-guarded
Against you.