Dia de los Muertos

If life were easy
There'd be no need
For depression, suicide
And all their ilk.

But life is hard
And I still dream
At times of death.
At times of life.

Fear is a funny thing
It stands in your way
Until you knock it down
And then you wonder what kind
Of hold it ever had over you

Today is the day of the dead
The day when the walking wounded
Strive to be something more

Here I am--
Staring at prayer flags
Wondering if emotion has to be authentic
And thinking of you

I'd like to think
Emotion is authentic
But I remember you
And I know that's not true

The broken words between us
Will not mend with love
No matter how hard you wish it

Because today is the day of the dead
The walking wounded strive,
For more.

I am the lover I don't have to love

(written April 17, 2008)

Don't you ever wonder what it's like,
To wake up and feel alive?

It gets old,
This breathing in and out
(Until I stop).

I feel old in my hands
Little old lady hands
Shaking like a leaf.

I don't want to grow old
Become broken in body
As I am in spirit

Become a shadow of myself
Unable to think coherently
Unable to write

Unbelievable and irrevocable
The point of no return
Not for me

If I can't write, read, explore?
There is no matter before me
More important than this

The only regret I'll have
In stopping the breath of my lungs
Is that I will never have ever felt alive.

Writing to You

(written April 17, 2008)

The shadow of a new dawn
Grows cold on the pavement
And I've yet to hear from you

I've been sitting in this window seat
Wrapped in a blanket
To ward off the chill.

Yet, the numbing feeling of ice--
If I'm shivering, I know
I can still feel alive.

The hours grow into days
And I miss your voice,
Your face

My heart tells me you will come back
But, raspier still, the voice of reason
Tells me the days will turn to years.

With only the glimmer of hope
I shiver in the morning cold
As I sit here again

Writing to you

Risk

(written April 15, 2008)


You say I am not moving
And I agree
But I need this time to renew, to grow
To grow anew

2009
It seems such a long time
With nothing but the empty to guide me

All I have is a handful of broken promises
Covenants with myself
And this time--
To make (or break) new promises

I'm afraid of what nothingness will bring
Afraid that in doing nothing, I'll become nothing
Afraid the nothingness will claim me
That I'll remain empty after my time is up

But most of all--
Afraid to start
Afraid to give myself a year of rest
Of nothing

Nothing Stays Different that Stays the Same

There is nothing you know about me that can't be changed
There is no place sacred for me without faith
Yet there is a constant variable that you know nothing about--
An untapped resource
A strength I could not live without

I wear a shield like trust
Fragile but hopeful
I keep my eyes shut
And pray

Prayer isn't easy for someone who wants to die
It makes it harder to be sincere
You feel like a lie
A lie told in the dark
Because lies are easier to believe when you don't see them coming

A chance--
A stab in the dark
And a steely will to do this life well
To live without contempt for life

Faith is a funny thing
My faith is not blind
But still, it is hard to see the bigger picture
To live outside my own head
To see and yet believe

Believing as I do
Living as I do
And one day, perhaps, a true and final death
This makes me who I am
And who I am?
Well, that can change