A Child of Mine

Little lives are entrusted to my care
But I can't even take care of me.

As I sit and watch those lives,
Entrusted to my care,
I can't help but want
Better for them than what I've had.

I want my children to know
A better life than mine
And believing that impossible--
No one's life is easy--
I would rather just be alone.

Alone to storm the years, the fears
But at times alone just means lonley
So I dream of a boy, a little Elijah boy,
I don't know if he is mine--
A child of mine would require a sacrifice of sanity
A host of pills to replace the ones I already take

So I try not to dream of the future
Of maybes and what if's
It isn't healthy, it isn't living in the now.
The present is all anyone ever has
So I try to be content with my uncertainty

And day after day,
I watch those little lives unfold.

Rinse and Repeat

Day after day
It always seems the same

And it's so silly
To worry about the past,
But history has a way of repeating--
I couldn't bear to break again

So many times
I have wanted to be natural
To not pump chemicals into my head
Daily, nightly and again

But I'm too afraid to try
Too afraid that things would fall apart
Afraid that I need the pills,
That I need balance more than I need me

So I surrender this day to you
I have no use for it

Because
It all seems the same
Day after day

Guilty for Telling the Truth

This loveless weight,
Like guilt because I
Do not bear young
Even though I can,

It presses on me
Until I feel like I should feel
Something for someone,

But there's just me.

I feel like weeping
For a man I've never met
A man that may not exist
And I wonder,
Is there only that bright, blue moon?

There is no other for me.

If you lie to yourself,
Is it still a lie?
A lie told in the light
And strengthened by your awareness of it

Does it become truth?

If it does then I'm afraid this guilt I feel
It's a love-lie
A dear, lovely, love-lie
Held tight like a good memory.

Is it possible to feel guilty for being something you aren't?

Because I am not.
And I am.
A lie.

Freedom

(written May 12, 2008)

I imagine Death to be Freedom
But I wish Freedom looked like Love
Then I could say I yearn for freedom,
Openly, and no one would worry
And I could continue to strive
For a death that looks like love

How realistic is a freedom that looks like love?
Does love free you or tie you down?
I admit that I don't know
But I hope it opens doors,
Creates possibilities, and always,
Always strives for more

My love will shimmer like a mirage
Yet be solid as a rock
Or I won't have it at all.

My death that looks like freedom that looks like love
Will be transcendent
So don't mourn for me
You don't mourn love

Sanity-savers

I take another day
As I swallow the pills that keep me sane
Sane for another day.

I forgot them last night,
So maybe I was less sane today.

What would happen to me
If I were to stop taking these pills
These little sanity-savers?

Would I fall apart?
Would the world melt around me?

I fear so.
So I try to remember to not forget.