Toxic

Feeling like I can't connect
The dots between you and me,
I close in on myself and shut down.

Mental beration is a state of mind
And all I wanted was to feel--
So beautifully!

Now, what was so carefree,
Has lost hope and courage
Until finding you seems impossible

And I wouldn't wish myself on
My worst enemy,
Let alone you, my love.

If only there was a way to
Hold all this damage together
To make believe that everything
Is fine

Then maybe I could trust myself to you
Maybe I wouldn't feel like poison,
Full of toxicity.

I want to feel, in ways I never have before,
In ways I never could have before,
But it's hard without the buffer of mania
So I drink coffee so I can create the
Delusion of mania--made by me

Is it enough to trust that somene won't walk away?
I think I'd have trouble with that level of trust.
I know I would test you--even when I wouldn't want to
I'd have to see if you're walking away.

I need to know what you're made of.

I worry that I'm unfit
To be a wife, a lover, a mother
It's so much easier to hide--
Hide until I don't have the energy
To fake it anymore.

And then?
Then we'll see what you're made of

One

My life is feeling full again.
Feeling manic and out of control,
Where do you go with a head this full?
So full it makes a girl dream.

I feel as though I'm being torn
Like silly putty being molded by hands without faces
Stretched, but not accomodated.

I feel full, all the time.
Overwhelmed by the beauty, the tragedy of life.
So full. So solidly full.

And I'd give anything to be anything else.
Because this is too much.

I'm making stupid choices again...
Impulsivity at its finest.
I wish I were empty
I wish I could once again
Be a vessel for the emptiness that burns

If I were empty, there'd be no dreams
I've done without them for four years,
I don't want them now.

I don't want to feel
Feel so alive, so alone. So full.

I've been practicing at living for so long
That I don't know how to do the real thing.

It's raining now, crying in the skies,
And I want to join the chorus,
Belt it out, knowing I'm only one.

There are two shades of blue:
When you're depressed, you're the night
When you're manic, you're turquoise

And me...I'm only one.