Toxic

Feeling like I can't connect
The dots between you and me,
I close in on myself and shut down.

Mental beration is a state of mind
And all I wanted was to feel--
So beautifully!

Now, what was so carefree,
Has lost hope and courage
Until finding you seems impossible

And I wouldn't wish myself on
My worst enemy,
Let alone you, my love.

If only there was a way to
Hold all this damage together
To make believe that everything
Is fine

Then maybe I could trust myself to you
Maybe I wouldn't feel like poison,
Full of toxicity.

I want to feel, in ways I never have before,
In ways I never could have before,
But it's hard without the buffer of mania
So I drink coffee so I can create the
Delusion of mania--made by me

Is it enough to trust that somene won't walk away?
I think I'd have trouble with that level of trust.
I know I would test you--even when I wouldn't want to
I'd have to see if you're walking away.

I need to know what you're made of.

I worry that I'm unfit
To be a wife, a lover, a mother
It's so much easier to hide--
Hide until I don't have the energy
To fake it anymore.

And then?
Then we'll see what you're made of