Vaca in a Hospital

Written April 13, 2010

I thought I was past all this
That I had somehow evolved
But I'm suddenly back where I started from
And no one has given me a reason to stay,
Least of all me.

Wanting to die, to me, is like
Wanting air when drowning.
I'm drowning in a sea of dry land
And I can't stop the great gasps of air

It's changed, this wish to die, evolved.
But there are still times I don't trust it.

All my hurts are multi-colored
Color-coded
Always organized in my mind
Because organization is procrastination.

Self-harm of the worst kind--
The worst damage done--
Is not with a blade.

Can you handle me at my worst?
So few can.

I want a way to wash away the pain
A sea salt bath in an ocean of tears.
Yours, mine, all the tears of the world
Might just make us clean.