Make Believe

I don't think this has been posted on here yet....

(Written February 18, 2007)

love is like hope that fills empty places in your heart
it makes me weep to remember you, to ask you to give me something, anything, to remember
in all the darkness and in all the light, you are there
i hold dreams in my head, and they are happy
happy with that hint of sadness that speaks to the soul that knows it will not last

i dream of you, of elijiah and olivia, of being more thanI am.
You would make me more than I have been,
already have, with your love and your peace
your ability to feel to learn to know to grow

is this another love letter to the one etched in my heart?
is this another love letter to the children i will adopt?
is this a love letter to myself, the first?

i believe at times that the sadness of this world will crush me with its weight
But I know the laughter that bursts past my lips and the smiles and the child's delight covers all of it

i've made you think that i hate snow, because i dislike the lack of color, the cold
but it is beautiful and peaceful and exhausting
it dusts the earth with crystals and softness
covers us with drops of pearl and comfort, just as the green that follows restores the spirit,
as the falling of leaves reminds me forever of happy times spent in happy places
i feel this hole in my heart, more than you can know
i fill it with business and the love i still hold for you, but i remain a shell, a husk, a charred and burned out hovel
at the end of each day

my organs will turn to dust before i'd want to forsake you
my children will grow up with what i have been taught, with all that i have to give
they will live in magic, in make believe, i would give everything i have to give them that
to fulfill what i've always believed
their dark eyes will mirror mine and they will know how to love
how to givehow to grow

they'll have your sensibility and my determination, my mother's genorousity
as well as that spark that is purely them, they'll have all that because i will give it to them, i will model it and claim it and give and give and give

you are the closest thing i've ever come to devotion
and yes, every smile, every tear, every frustration and joy
every word i write and every hug i give is a love letter
to you. to me. to a future of make believe.