Elijah

(written November 13, 2006)

i hold lonely in my heart.
i lie empty and feel absence, looking down from above.
and i hold you in my heart, a treasure chest without a key.
but there's room for more than you and me
room for more than lonely.

i hold a baby boy in my heart.
sometimes he is a little brown boy,
sometimes he is a little carbon copy--
not of me, but of the composite of my family.
i think he is elijah, but i can't be sure.

my empty shell holds all this and more
holds empty meaning
holds lonely in tiny grasping fingers

but i hold other things in my head.
things i can't let go of.
i hold dreams in my head,
and realities.

cold possibility or warm mediocrity?

when i was little i believed i could do anything.
i wanted others to believe it too.
now i sell myself to others so their lives will be better.
and i'm so empty, i'm overflowing with it.

overflowing with the years, with the lonely.

i do what i do because i do it the best
i do what i do because i know not how not to

i am in the pursuit. the chase.
i am the woman in white, i am the woman with the mouth ripe.
are you my angel? are you my stake?

i believe in emptiness now.
i pursue it, and happiness.

happiness. meloncholia. i hold both. i am both.
you should committ. you should own it.
if you don't lay claim to the lonely, it will claim you.

I am in the Chase. Is weakness and metaphor my destruction?
Is that red stain seeping through the floor from me?

Don't tell me yet. I can't bear to see.

I turn. I sleep.