Gradually, and then Suddenly

(written November 21, 2006)

when people write, do they write for someone? How long is the day in the dark? forever, and a blink of an eye. Shadows and that dry feeling your eyes get when you forget to blink. but then you remember. when i write i write you. and i write me. and i write us. What does cold feel like? like a tight control, holding your hand over a flame. i write my body and it writes me.

I need you to understand. I need you to understand that it isn't about dying, but about living. It's about not being able to live like this. It's about needing to feel a focused, phsyical pain to match the abstract pain inside. Why do you define me in terms of you?

when i write, who do i write for?are you inside me? when i cry, are you the salty taste on my tongue?

Will it ever be enough?

I wrote you a letter that I will not send. But you'll read it anyway because it means something to you. You will read the words of my pen as though they came from your mouth, and the sounds you make will sing. And you will understand.

And you. I talked to you for an hour. Emotional integrity. I value that and will give you nothing less. So do not worry for me. Do not fear. Fear will only bring you down, and I'm down enough for the both of us.

Fear not the living shade in her gradual dance to the grave...

Someday...

Someday will be sudden.