The New Year

I have memories like broken glass
Fragmented and beautiful
But I'll never forget
How to love, and lose.

This side of December, looking back
At last year's December
I can't believe it's the same me

I don't want to remember-
How awful it is to fall apart
Or how hard it is to pull
The broken shards back together

To remember the jerk of my arm
While driving on the highway
Or the prick of a needle
In a safe place-

A place where cobwebs grow lazy on the mind
And where semis don't drive beside you

And I remember what it's like
To think you're better off without me
Remember, too, the way I left
My writing to your safe-keeping.

And I hate that I played
Such a fool
Hate that I couldn't hold me together
When it mattered most

Now these broken memories
Are in the palms of my hands
Cupped there, cutting-

I bleed little half moons
And pointy crags of thought-
A little more each day.

Until I think that love
And loss are nothing to me.

And when that numbness
Subsides in tears and fears
And the bruises are gone, fading-
I'll remember how much it cost me,

This life of mine
Played in shadows and snowy peaks.

And yet here I am
Alive and dreaming still
Of better things to come

Thoughts that once seemed futile
Have a place in me again.

And I can't help but feel
That I've grown a little older
And maybe a little brighter-
A little- as the year is done.

But I can't feel a great sense
Of accomplishment
No matter how I try
Because I've done nothing of import
For quite a time

And these memories
They take me back
To places and faces of mine
Until I have this mosaic

This landscape of hatred
That reminds me of love
And loss.